We named our party play list daddy issues
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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