somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
