I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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