it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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