Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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