I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
