what day is it and did you see me today?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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