just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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