I heard we made out
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
