end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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