I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
