I got chris browned last night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
