her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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