this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
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With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.