I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."