Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I want is dick and wine.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
