So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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