just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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