He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
