totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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