I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
