he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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