You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
