What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
