Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
