omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
