I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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