Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
