I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
