Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My ass is underappreciated
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
