He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
