i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
