Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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