I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
