he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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