How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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