I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Send help, water and tortillas.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
