So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
