hotel room ftw
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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