i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
