Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize