Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
