I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
