Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
