The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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