It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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