Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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