I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
