My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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