Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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