i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I use my feet as sexual weapons
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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