Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
