so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
