90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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