If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I will pee on everything he values.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
